The terms of mixed marriage is when married couples have diiferent backgrounds, such as in religions and cultures. 

In Indonesia (maybe somewhere else too), mixed marriage is usually something that  has more  extreme background i.e. one of them is expats.

Having this issue is still slightly taboo in Indonesia. This is based on my little observation when I see many Indonesians (who don't have expats relatives, obviously) impale at mixed couples on the road or somewhere in a public place.

Also, when they question me about what good things of having marriage with 'bule'. They sometimes can go further on their analysis that married to 'bule' is about size genital matter only; while, none of 'bules' asking me this ridicilous question.

 

Do you believe if I say none of Indonesians I've met think about love to those Indonesians who married to expats?

I can't argue their fundamental images toward this issue as there many negative rumours have been issued in our society. 

The fact that there still many 'qualified' Indonesians who married to 'bule' based on love, the society just can't see this --- they can be even shallow.

Worst things are mixed marriage every so often gets 'trouble' with lawman. Whatever the issue is,  the lawman seem to have advantage to blackmails the mixed marriage. 

One of examples from over thousand cases with mixed marriage is when a friend of mine who married to expats with one kid. She often got  blackmail with a lawman in an international airport. I know the story when she told the staffs embassy,  in aims looking for judgment. 

According to her she's been blackmailed by immigration officers for Rp 10 millions!

There still many stories about blackmails in mixed marriage though. 

Can these blackmails towards mixed marriage and negative images over?

I have no idea what stimulates them to have attitude towards mixed marriage like that. But I can only think  one thing: that we should learn.

Although many of Indonesians still ambigious about mixed marriage, but the unstatistical data shown that Indonesians who married to exparts have increased every year. Can you interpret how/why it increase?

DBLN, 09.50-290411

The book is actually my hubby's book. As soon after he finished reading the book he recommended it to me. He confidently said: "I'm sure, you will like it".

A little note about my hubby :): Since we're together for many years, I feel my husband knows about me very well more than I know about myself --- he knows exactly what I dislike or like even I don't tell him about it!

The reason why he was very confident that I'd enjoy reading this book was because the story about polygamy in Islam. 

He knows very well how critical I am with this kind of thing issue; I didn't think it twice, I grabbed the book and read it.

The book is indeed raise my emotions.

Written by Khaled Hussaine, also widely known as the writer of  The Kite Runner books. The book has been filmed widely in cinemas over the world. 

After his success with The Kite Runner, which is I haven't read the book, but have once wacthed its movie, he retells a story how desperate Afghan woman who had her life punished by her own family as well as her husband.

I'm not going to review this book :). As I'm very interested in this book and just like my hubby did to me, I highly recommended you to read it :).

I have three points of view to share my thoughts about this brilliant book.

There were two protagonist women on this book, but I'm more interested in discussing about Mariam. Mariam was the protagonist on this book She was an illegimate child. 

Her mother was a handmaiden in her biological father's house who was the most notability man in the city. Although Mariam was just a love child, her father loving her so much.

Because of her status as love child, her mother abandoned her life by telling Mariam that she would' have a normal life like other girls. She also told Mariam that her dad didn't actually love her.

I was kinda pissed off when I read the first chapter, which is about relationship between Mariam and her mother, but then felt better when Mariam's dad showed up with the most gentle and loving father in the world.

In fact of the spite Mariam's mother was right. 

In a real case, an illegimate child still has difficulty to find a normal life. Culture, religion and norm are the  reasons why this issue is still taboo in a society. The person who get the impacts of this taboo classic is so obvious: the child.

My anger was raising when Mariam's dad refused to meet her, but Mariam stubbornly waiting him until the next morning.

People change, but love can't change. So how can you explain if a husband say to his wife that he doesn't want her anymore? 

Is love just a fairy tail  that can lead everyone believes in 'eternity'? 

Just like what Mariam had once believed about her father? Unfortunately she couldn't change of what had happened to her mother.

I find a moral message after reading this book: Don't take one thing for granted and forget about another thing. 

Better to fight now for a happines later than surrendering for the rest of your life because remorse always comes at the end.

Next month, I and my hubby are going to Italy for a wedding party of my hubby's best buddy, which is in Tuscany. As I know, Tuscany is a very beautiful place.

I'm so happy thinking of its beautifulness place and doing activities: planning to go cycling around Tuscany hills under the 23 degrees weather :).

After calling for an appointment to Italy embassy, which is today. My hubby organised all the documents and I only did the signatures :).

Things weren't as smooth as I thought, my hubby didn't make the copies for all documents!

Luckily, the guy was very nice --- he said my surename kind of like Italian name :), and he did copy all my documents.

My hubby excused himself that he didn't do the copies because the website embassy didn't ask about it.

Lesson # 1: Always copy all your documents even the information doesn't mention about it. At least, make them easier to work out your visa.

First process was alright, but there was a problem when he came to ask about the accomodation (I told this to my hubby but he said I would be fine!) -- the accomodation was actually booked by my hubby's buddy as we're gonna share appartment somewhere in Tuscany.

My husband was thingking I would be fine because I'm a member of EU family, but he forgot that I still hold green passport!

No choice then, I told the guy would fax it soon!

Lesson # 2: Always have your accomodation proofs ready no matter what!

The first two mistakens weren't finished yet, there was another mistake (again???), yes again! I didn't buy a travel insurance! Well, I showed my yearly health insurance, unfotunately they wanted a travel insurance.

And again, I told him would fax it soon!

Lesson # 3: Health insurance differ from travel insurance. If they don't ask to travel insurance in their site, just buy it!

It's a bit different of procedures of Schengen visa in Spain. When I  applied visa to Spain they didn't ask so many documents, as far as I remember I only give them four documents --- not included travel insurance. 

Although it's the same for Schengen visa but apparently they have different requirements for the documents. Things need to remember, always have your travel insurance ready (it's very cheap anyway!), copies of your documents, and proof of accomodation!

The ongoing crisis economic in Ireland make no choice to most Iris citizens as well as immigrants to go abroad. All potential countries like Australia, New Zealand, USA,  and Canada are the optimisms for many people in Ireland to have better life.

Also, I and my hubby have a plan about going abroad to Australia. The crisis economic doesn't entirely impact our financials, but it impacts to all the fields in our life such as at work, home and the society. 

The thing is travelling abroad to a country that we haven't been before sometimes can bring us doomed, specially going to a country with strict laws. Therefore it is crucial to know the laws enforcement in all airport we arrive in.

I'm sometimes kind of paranoid when applying a visa to a country. The most I'm scared of is that my visa will be refused because I own green passport.

As I had had (not) nice experience during in London when I (just) arrived in London only for a transit, but asked a lot of questions and held my passport for quite a long which made me worried of being late for my plane. 

It was a bit tempering situation as I felt that I'd been threaten differently.

And I'm not actually the one who experiences like that. When I wacthed a passport patrol program on a tv station, I see people have also the same feeling --- feeling being threaten differently. 

When the program show how the immigration staff had tried hard to explain a stubborn visitor who brought bananas, but the visitor kept talking and defensing himself how and the staff kept listen to him patiently, it's kinda waking me up about what rules about -- that rules are rules.

Unfortunately, only fiew people sometimes can accept the law enforcements in an airport.

Watching a passport patrol program on a tv station has led me to understand that every airport has different laws.

In a country like Australia has forbidden to bring in specifiic foods , specially things that believed can carry such as disease. Similar laws have been also enforced in a country like New Zealand.

Although I'm thinking it's a bit unfair of law enforcement when the immigration officers charge people from something they don't know: how do they suppose to know what forbiddens and not?

But as like I said earlier: rules are just rules.

You probably still remember my posting about a lad whom had been deleted from my facebook friendlist. The story still continue as he couldn't control himself to be little bit dignified, he told whoever he met about his removal from my friendlist.

A week ago, a lady called me asking what the story behind his removal, and I answered: "Nothing". She retelled what he told her about me, which is so childish and ridicilous to write here. 

This is my reason why sometimes I'm very fussy about choosing good friends as most of  Indonesian women (can men also) enjoy discussing drivel like it's so crucial. 

I ain't trying to be different or more intelligent than them (though it's true. lol), I just absolutely can't enjoy to talk with type of these people.

They sometimes go further if the person they talk with is unaffected, such as exaggerating the news. And it's going to be worst if they do intentionally in aims to provoke you. 

I will definitely stay away from these people, specially if the signs of provoking shown. But how about if we can't get out of these people?

I'll probably show my dislike attitude to their provoking news or if there no progress then I tell them that I don't want to listen about anything that isn't my business.

Like this guy, a married man who should more concern about his own life, specially with one little baby, should've spent his time talking craps.

Sometimes there is a compulsion to revenge his act, to tell everyone about who he really is. Good Lord, I wasn't given a brain and heart like his. Although I know the worst secret of him behind his masculinity mask, however I prefer to keep it for myself.

If my husband would say: "Let it go. A bad karma for mean people". Though, I'm not very philosophy woman, I do believe him.

I know this guy was hurt for being removed from my friendlist because if he wasn't, then he shouldn't bother. I don't give a damn of what he said, I feel pitty instead because his unawarenes with the surroundings and his own life. 

I wish one day he could change his negative attitude, he doesn't like a man he has to be, I see him like a lady instead.

The 21st of April had to be an extraordinary day for all Indonesian women as today was a day where the most inspiring Indonesian woman had been born. 

Kartini, a javanese woman, in her teen-age, she had raised her voice through letters to her europeans friends regarding her unhappiness about the 'unfair' laws in Indonesia.

She pointed out to women's right, such as why women weren't allowed to go school and had to get married under parents' compulsion. She also alluded to Koran, particularly Polygamy issue. 

We, Indonesian women particularly, know very well about what Kartini had done during hard span where women lived only in their fetter circle. 

Have we lived better than Kartini's life?

Well, let me listing four main problems faced by Indonesian women: 

1. Education

Do you know how many Indonesian women posses leaving certificate? Over 200 millions something of population I can predict no more than half of the population held leaving certificate. 

The reason is: No money no education.

2. Polygamy

Polygamy case doesn't seem muffle, sometimes even worst: a recent case about a man who admitted as a divine, willing to marry a 9 yro girl. 

Yet, polygamy is permitted by either religion or goverment acts. What often distracting me is the reigns' acts such as Arabic acts; in fact of the spite, Indonesian isn't like arabic but none like America. 

Do some people try to make Indonesia like arabic, or either way perhaps? Or would that be possible that we're actually in a crisis identity?

3. Abortions

Whether the illegal practicals should be in the jail or the women who do the abortion should be in the jail, but I I suggest that all of us should live in the jail. 

In 2005, there was a horrible news I had ever heard in my life: 11 embryos were found in a bin! Most of you will defintely berate those doers, as like I did. But think again, what has stimulated their action to do abortion?

Will we judge them as perpetrators without seeing the cause and its effect? 

4. Tenaga Kerja Wanita (TKW)

This is the most recent fascinating case in Indonesia. One case of TKW story will never ever be ended, and there are dozens of  TKW cases. Which stories should I begin first?

Every so often I repeat a phenomena when my heart is bumping while sitting among the TKWs, there something annoy me when one or two of them approaching me to have a chat, nothing really sophisticated issue to discuss with them, they're yokel and so innocent.

I can't blame them (although I wanted to), specially for a horrible incident they have, and we shouldn't blame them (like what a par did when she refused to help TKWs and blamed them instead). 

These all  phenomenons happen because this country full of shitty people.

I live in a country where women's right are fully considered by government and some organizations, and I'm grateful for this. I am, therefore, concerning to what happens in Indonesia: When we can become like another counrty where women's life full of welfare? Don't tell me Indonesia can't do it.

Happy Kartini's Day,

Last week, I posted an artcile in EEC (Effortless English Club) VIP forums regarding grammar rules and my opinion that learning grammar rules is not the major subject to be fluent in English. There were 50 % of the members agreed with me, the rests were giving their comments how very important grammar rules are. 

My problem is (perhaps everyone too), I hate so much grammars. I don't enjoy learning grammar rules but I do enjoy English. I have to say that study maths is much more simple than studying grammar rules. 

This opinion is based on my analysis: e.g. I need memorise stats formula for my exam, like Chi Square formula for example. It would be pretty easy for me to answer the Chi Square question as the formula is consistent and unchanged. 

But different if I do English exam. As English is a languange, there certainly a lot of vocabularies with different contexts involve in the questions. 

I know you want to comment that English has rules such maths e.g. we say an English instead of a English: this is the rules. But the application of an is not just for English and can be used for many vocabularies such as an eye, an honest, an Indonesian, etc.

If you ask to a native speaker why you have to say an eye instead of  a eye, they would probably answer you like this: "because that the way we say it" instead of "because that the rules". 

I know English words since I was about 10 yrso from UB 40 song lyrics, and I still remember the happiness when I copied the way UB 40 sang the song --- all the words seemed beautiful and very encouraging my enthusiasms to learn English passionately.

However, my view about English had changed since an English teacher in Secondary School introduced grammar rules: English seemed very horrible and boring to me.

But thanking for those who have discovered to learn English much easier than just learning and memorising grammar rules. Such as EEC system that has known widely with its system. AJ, who is the founder of EEC system, instantiates how people can learn English without grammar rules memorising neeeded.

I don't like using translation tools, I prefer to use dictionary instead of translation tools. None of translation tools can help people to improve their English. For serious non native English learners, I highly recommended not to use them.
 

The simple of EEC systems e.g. listened to a story repeteadly, make many people believe that  learning the   terms of grammars are indeed incapacitated. Yet, we're still not fluent although we've learnt years and years to understand English. 

 

I find many people who are good at English writing but so bad at speaking. And do you know why? Because they stick with the rules.

As I've been experienced struggling with grammars, AJ's system kinda brings the light for becoming fluent.


DBLN, 14.05-200411

She's in her mid-30s, married to a man who has broken her heart so many times. Since I met her, she has become a 'special' friend to me. Her odd behaviour/attitude has brought me to do a self-observation. 

The self-observation first began from her introverted attitude, she has difficulty to get along with new people, her unfriendly attitude very obvious, specially to those people who she just meet.  And that's kind of like a challenge for me to know the real of her.

She's not the first woman who come to me telling about black memories from the past, so I wasn't really surprised when I heard her first confession about her unhappy feelings towards her husband.  Every so often her voice would raise when a bad part emerges.

The most interesting during my observation is her unconscious and resistants, particularly when she speaks. She knows when something not suppose to say, she would deliver it unconsiously.

Every so often her words delivered in unclear expressions; unable to show her feelings with a right expression, like when she commented about my appearance, she displaced her 'true' thought toward me into somebody's opinion, and yet her face changed in an odd expression, kind of like a reaction formation* --- between hate and love.

*Her expression reminds me of  Rat Man case when he told a story to Freud about  activity torture  to a rabit which did by souldiers. According to Freud he had shown an odd expression: expression between enjoying the story and feeling disgustful.

I come with a conclusion about her odd expression: she was actually hating me by not listened to her as I (pretended) was transparently rejecting her opinions; nevertheless, in the same time she wanted me to help her to out of her 'complexity'.

I did little bit self experiementation during my trip with her, and make it looks so natural. I intentionally led her to an opinion about many things.

When I alluded to a person, whom, I think she dislikes the person, her attention stood only for no less than 1 minute and then she began to looked at another view (didn't look at me directly and doing this frequently). Also, her face is very easy to change when she's unhappy about a thing.

My natural observation takes only two months but I get a lot of good things to learn during observation -- specially for my study about hysteria.

Uunfortunately, I've decided to discontinue the observation for some reasons. The case remains unresolved.

 DBLN, 20.20-190411

Humans were born with different capabilties physically and intellectuals. These what perhaps make some people do and think better in one/some fields but bad in another field. But in a well internship we often find all these capabilities joined under such as different departements, and guess what? They tend to achive a great succesfull in their company.

However, many regulations of a company/school prefer to accept only people who posses higher IQ  than EQ, while EQ is pretty effecting in a success. To know how intellect we are, a test/exam is usually given. 

Ironically, people who have good EQ aren't always good at doing exam and neither do people in the opposite side. So what the image will be if these people with good EQ fail in the exam? They're not smart enough precisely. Sadly, this image still exist until today.

In fact a study discovers how a person succesful evidently rely on EQ while the person has avarage IQ. In this case, a succes doesn't necessarily to pass an exam. 

An example of this issue, and I take the story from my own experience, which is about an English test. 

I hadn't been to any English test or class in my life before until one day I must do it as it required by the college. A bad experience from English teacher in school made me afraid of going to English course, but I didn't give up to learn English as I love English so much. 

I kept learning English at home by listening English music and reading English books. One day I must do an English test as I didn't have any. The staff in a college that I went for a psychology course seemed unconvinced that I hadn't done any English test. She commented: "Your English like american native speaker, have you been to America?".

I was really suprised with her comment, so I did the exam excitedly. However, the result wasn't  like I expected which I wasn't so happy with the result. The staff college thought I wasn't in a good mood and suggested to  do it one more. However, I still got the same result in the second test. 

Fortunately, the college principal decided to pass the test as according to them the interview had proven my English ability, but they still had no idea why the result was below avarage.

Since then I took an English course that focus in English exam preparation. And still, I wasn't really happy with all the regualtions about learning English. One of I hated most was about grammar rules!

People shouldn't concern only in IQ, but also in EQ. If an exam is the only way to prove a person has a high IQ, then the world can only discover how theory can be made instead of how the theory can work and progress.

DBLN, 17.38-150411

"Telling lies is part of everyday life" said my teacher one day in the class, he also added: "and it's normal". The latter of his consideration slightly hounding although he is likely 'right' in this case, but I'm kind of disagreed with him in the latter comment. 

Norm is my reason not to back up the latter comment as I become worries now about anything I see and hear. And my question regarding to this issue is: where do 'the lies' come from?

There many factors provoke us to tell a lie. But what people often do is they always back up their lies with unconditional reasons. 

For example, a marriage couple had been together for very long time. Unfortunately, the man had fallen for another woman and apparently had a secret relationship. He kept the secret until one day his wife found about it. The man tried to defensed himself by saying: "I lie because I don't want to hurt you". 

Although it sounds like a pathetic loser -- as he knew exactly what would happen if he/she didn't/did tell the truth, so what the point of lying? -- he still able to defensed himself despite he knew how wrongly he was.

Speaking of defense, it reminds me of defence mechanism, which was first coinned by Freud, who, inferred that self-defense is usually used to cope a person's images, the attempts to avoid chugrin, usually something from the past. 

Furthermore, he gave point which I think it reffers to my question, that defence mechanisms derived from a person's psyche structure, which according to Freud it consists of The id, ego, and superego. As it's hard enough for me to explain these three things, so I could only explain as clear as possible. 

The id  believed by Freud as kind of childish behaviour or attitude e.g. stubborn can be called childish sometimes. 

However, doesn't mean adults don't have id (remember the example story above). As id is selfish and primitive, that's why it appears frequently in unconsious events.

Thanking Freud, it's not all bad about human psyche, we still have superego which prevent or provoke us for doing wrong or right, and this depends on how our parents and surroundings instance the kindness and unkindness.

Let's leave Freud's analysis here, and let me give you another story.

I was told by a new friend of mine a gossip about me, she said my husband had met a person that we weren't actually buying the house where we live now, which is this person told a lie. 

I'm not interested in knowing the person but curious to know what has provoked the person for lying as she/he definitely doesn't know about me at all.  

Back to Freud, if I refer this to Freud's analysis, this person doesn't look have healthy criteria of psyche structure. Instead, I see only the id from this person. 

Lying is apparently stronger than honesty.

DBLN, 22.19-13-411

I've actually written regarding to obedience issue lately, but it's indicating more to social issue. As I find such a phenomena related to this issue in the past of fiew weeks (despite this phenomenon has been observed since a long time ago) and that emerging an idea to come up on my blog.

This well-known issue of psychology fields which carried out by famous psychologists Asch and Milgram are tend to find in everyday life with a variety of phenomenons. 

Amusing as well as interesting examples of obedience phenomenons are  found in some Indonesian married couples -- and again, I  like taking a picture example of knowledge and matching it into a phenomenon which normally happens in everyday life. As always, it's about my surroundings.

 

This activity of observing people around me is basically unplanning -- I don't actually do it intentionally, its more as a reflect thought to link it with psychology learning I've learnt. And here we go...

An Indonesian married woman whom I've known very well, always proudly tells me how obedient she is to her husband. I'd say, she's kinda an old fashion wife --- always do what her hurband says or asks no matter what.

We share story about what our marriage style like; and she wonders about how easily  I and my husband can get along with each other. After realising this i.e. seeing my performance (perhaps?), she eventually comes up with a new story: "I'm so tired to obey my husband. He's never satisfied with what I've done for him. I've just got a bit more weight this month and he complains about it already! Why I can't be myself?"

She's not the one who has been in this situation; and what very amusing is most of those married women suffer inside for obeying their husband's authority. This attitude indicates their dissonant with the performance. 

Their dislike attitude is obviously because they're unhappy to be obedients (specially something they dislike with); and loving it because they're proud of themselves actualizing their husbands' dream come true, is for having obedient wife.

Perhaps culture or religion is the issue of their reason to be obedient wife: and these what might have evoked why such a polygami can happen; even simpler, a husband alluded his wife's style to be what a woman he'd seen; or when a husband says to his wife not to go to somewhere unless he agrees about it; or when a husband only allows his wife to buy a dress if he likes it, etc.

Have you read a book of  a thousand splendid suns written by Khaled Hosseini? I recommend you to read it if you havent't, and tell me what you think about obedience.

Finally, I come up with a point -- as an independent wife as well as mother, that anything effects a wife's life without rights , then they've actually extinguished a life.

Happy mother's day in Ireland.

I finally know why my psychoanalysis lecture fascinate with the psychoanalysis subject. Psychoanalysis  is unlike other subjects in psychology, I find psychoanalysis seems more challenging for the knowledge about human beings and its complexity, although another lecture of mine in psychology has once alluded this subject, that human mind is not supposed to be busy.

Freud indicated the repression of wishes would return in such as an act, like slip of the tongue,  it's when  we intend to say something but saying another; slip of the pen; and an act that generally happens to most everyone, it's when we forget something e.g. I remembered to bring umbrella to college while I had shower this morning, but then I'd forgotton it when I left the house.  

Repression according to Freud can be used as a defense mechanism in a therapy e.g. a client tend to use a repression while attempts to express their feelings. In fact, ingeneral everyday life, we use a repression as defense mechanism in aims to cover off everything that might be embarrasing us or something that might harm us or other people.

DBLN, 15.14-050411

Hysteria is such as invisible disease of mental ilness that only the person who suffer from hysteria can feel it; nothing but leads to worst if they don't look for help. 

I've often met some people who suffer inside but still no attempts to seek for help. Most of these people think they have nobody to trust, even with their own partner --- just like what comes off to Ira, a woman whom I've known for more than three years.

Ira isn't her real name. I took it from her first name (won't mention her full name for some reasons). Her  first failed marriage just like other failed marriage story --- what  do you think the  general causes of failures in marriage? I think it whether cheating or ill-as-sorted. 

I wouldn't agree if somebody says love is blind. Our 'unhealthy' neurons the fact that causes us to act such as soulful person, sacrificing everything for the one who we love. Ira has (sincerely?) sacrified anything she could give to her second husband, she converts into moslem and learning Qoran.

True love sometimes isn't about how much sacrifice you can give and take. Some wise people say if it  still does not come off to you then you need to stand up till you find someone can appreciate your love more. But most people, particularly women ,tend to keep sacrifice more even though they ascertain how deeply it will irritate them.

This is one of the hyteria characters like, gaming their own feelings and living  in reaction formation  (love for hate and hate for love). Ira has to face with more frighful than her previous experience,  the fact  that her husband cheats on her. She hates for this but also she loves her husband, so she keeps the marriage in very painful inside. 

Ira begins to avoid social life, judging people, but keep her attitude balance outside although the painful inside still come up against in her life. 

Her new husband has once suggested her not to come to me, specially for advice (in spite of the fact, I don't give a damn advice to  anyone -- what I tend to do when people come to me is only listen to them. I only give advice  if they ask me to). 

By telling me what her husband has told her about me is her attitude not  to trust her husband. Ira might have thought: "why should I listen to a lier (cheating husband)?". Ira keeps continue seeing me and confider what really happens in their marriage, including their unhappy sexual life.